I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
