you guys were way drunker than both of me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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