and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
