Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
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There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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