my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
