So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
