I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
