btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
