you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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