I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
