Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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