I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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