Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
