Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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