In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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