apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
