tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
