No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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