I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
