Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
