can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
