I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
