So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
