I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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