Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
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Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
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Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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