you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
