he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
