Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
