Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Randomize
