Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
