I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
