What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
