There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
