His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
