My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
