she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I believe in your delicious
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
