Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
