Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
