You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
