I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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