I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
