I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
