Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
