last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
