He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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