I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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