He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
