she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
