i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
