I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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