Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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