I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
