he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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