So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
