I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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