i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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