im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
