turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
organizing the empties. That sober.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
