I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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