Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
