OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
