on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
