All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
